LIFE UPDATE (Blog)
In two months, I'm due to graduate from uni. I’ll have finished my bachelor of arts and be able to progress to…
(post-grad? an honours project? finally working on the book?)
IDK. But one thing I do know is that I’m no good with due dates. And the timing, it all felt wrong. And the Zoom fatigue!!? It’s real.
For the last eighteen months, I've spent hours every week on Zoom trying to learn everything I said I would learn in that time frame. But now I'm nearing the edge of that frame and I can't bear another hour of it. Why did I do this thing? To get it done, or to learn? Because I'm not learning as much as I am I avoiding the readings and crying before class because I hate being unprepared but can’t force myself to my desk to sit still and listen (shoutout to TikTok for helping me realise I have ADHD).
But anyway, I really did like studying last year. It got me through 2020 and reminded me of the power of my writing. When I sit down and finish something, it brings me back into the world with a velocity that always surprises me. When I share those words, the connection I feel is both the scariest and most comforting feeling in the world. I guess that’s why I’ve started sharing thoughts here now. That and, the journals have piled up. And I miss having an audience. But hey, I didn’t come here to justify myself!! I came here to update you on things because sharing authentically is one of the true cures I’ve found works for the curse of pandemic social disconnection.
So back to that. The life update. I'm taking a break from uni to focus on my health and music - not necessarily in that order. I'm going to make art, joy, money and pleasure. Also, not necessarily in that order. I'm going back to my values drawing board and focussing on learning in a different way for the next year. The pandemic sort of made me forget that's an option; that I still have the autonomy to choose and enjoy every aspect of my life within my control. That's trauma brain for ya. Learned helplessness and all that 🎺jazz🎺. But there’s also something to be said about Simone Biles and gross-capitalism-productivity-mindset-bullshit and remembering that my worth and identity isn’t tied to the achievements I bulk share in a semi-self-deprecating facebook post every two years.
Locating my worth also comes back to relocating my values, for me. It reminds me to check in with the list I made for myself when I truly had forgotten who I was and what I wanted. I come back to the list and I look at it and I whisper, I’m still here. I look around and notice all the ways I’ve forgotten what was important and instead gotten caught up by the idea of an end. It's one of my patterns, I think. The thought of the end knocks me off balance when I’m just trying to enjoy the journey. I’ve done it with loves, jobs, health kicks. I guess it’s the coming back to the centre of it all that describes what they mean when they say ‘grounding’.
This decision to switch course marks the resurfacing of one of my favourite patterns: the one where I’m able to change my life by choosing to make a better one for myself from the limited options I have. I do this every few years usually. It’s like a big check-in to see what I’m doing and if I like it and what I would change if I could. The best part is, I always seem to find a way. If there’s something preventing me, I change that. And then I change the next thing. I do it until I’m free to do whatever I want. It’s truly liberating. And that’s what this decision has reminded me of: I am free. I truly believe in myself. I truly am excited about the life I get to live. This is all still bonkers to write, considering a few years ago all I could write to myself were words of criticism, anger, fear, confusion, shame. Self-love is a gift that you recognise in hindsight.
So here we are. A new era. Carving out time for exploration, expression and being extra. Doing things for the sake of it. Maybe this is my icon era. Is this what icons do? Write blogs?? Okay yes, now you can make your Sex and the City joke, unless it’s already on the IG post. In which case, haha it me.
I’ve got new music and some other fun things coming out soon. Thanks for being here with me while I figure everything else out :']
